This and That...

I've been reading Crystal Renn's autobiography, "Hungry", for the last few days, and it has triggered some long regressed emotions. In case you don't know, Crystal Renn is the highest paid plus size model(she's only a size 10) in America. She has graced the covers of international Vogues, as well as Harpers Bazaar and other various international magazines. Crystal talks about her struggle with anorexia, desire to be perfect, and how it all gets better. Although I did not struggle with anorexia(it was other forms of eating disorders), I could relate greatly to her desire to be perfect and the happy ending. I became obsessed with my treadmill-working out various times a day, and with counting calories and avoiding "fat" foods. Inevitably, losing all willpower and bingeing on cookies and anything I could get my hands on. Obviously, this is not healthy behavior. I am not sure why I felt the sense to have to look and be perfect. My parents always assured me of my beauty, and I was never ridiculed as a young child(I mean except for my sister-but that occurred after I won Candyland and she would get angry). I'm not sure if you ever have felt the need to be perfect, but if you have-why do you think you felt that way? I believe by nature that I'm a perfectionist. To obsess and fear about something, my fear of getting fat and obsession of my body, and repetition of working out for hours on end, staring every time I passed a mirror, and avoiding food are all signs of OCD. Crystal suffered from OCD, as well. If anyone reading is or has suffered from eating disorders or the strive for perfection, don't give up on trying to get better. Sometimes all the answer is is changing our way of viewing ourselves and our body. Trust me life gets better. I dealt with this crap for 5 years now. What really pains me is when little girls and boys believe that they are fat or when they are on diets. No child or teen should feel that way. We need to stop this "skinny" epidemic. Sure, people are skinny by nature. But unhealthy skinny is not the answer. We should all love our size. Crystal talks about that we all have a predetermined body size. It's the size that helps our body perform at its best. If we get too below that size, our bodies crave energy. If we get too above that size, our body breaks down. But our natural body size is all going to be different. I'm Italian and Spanish, so I will always be curvy. But someone with a family history of fast metabolisms and no obesity, will be naturally thin. I'm at my happy weight now. It feels real good to say that. It's hard for me to say how I started to become more confident in myself-especially because I was really at the bottom of the barrel. I hated myself. But I guess it would be after I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Now, when I was diagnosed I was healthy. My body just stopped producing insulin. But I believe I became more confident because I started to view my body as something that keeps me alive and healthy, rather than something in vain. I guess the diabetes helped me to realize what healthy is. I was at one of the lowest weights that I had ever been before I was diagnosed
(that's a symptom, weight loss). But I didn't like it. I felt too skinny, and I lost a lot of my curve. After my body adjusted to the insulin and what not, I settled into a nice weight. And not everyone is going to overcome their issues by getting diagnosed with some disease-really i hope not. But you'll get your bliss. I believe everything happens for a reason. Your insecurities help you to become the strong beautiful person you are today. And if you're still suffering, those insecurities help to realize that this is not a way to live. My insecurities helped me to realize that this is not how people should be treated, and I've become a little activist in part. So take a note from Crystal, and love the person you are. Life is far too valuable to be kept worrying about the way we look. Confidence comes from within<3